The Abandoned Empress

“As you know, I declared before the nobles that I would request the breakoff of my engagement with you, and you agreed with that. But as of now you have not finished the due process of recording it officially. I’m afraid that there are people who might look down on the imperial family because of this. Please take this into account, Your Majesty.”

“Whew! ”

After sighing, he grabbed his collar and shook it. Although his neat outfit was dishevelled in a moment, he didn’t care and asked, staring at me, “Do you still hate me so much? Don’t you want to see me at all?

“…”

“Please answer me, Aristia. Are you avoiding me because you hate me, or are you refusing me because of people around you? ”

“… It doesn’t matter. Our relationship is already irreversible. ”

“No, it does matter to me.”

“What are you talking about?”

When I asked with a sigh, he came closer to me and said, “Because I want to be a man to you, not the emperor.”

“… Your Majesty.”

I bit my quivering lips tightly. Although I thought I shouldn’t do this, I felt I was becoming weak at his serious expression.

“Please answer me, Aristia. Regardless of the political situation, your position, and other concerns, think of me as if you are just a woman. What do you think of me as a man? ”

“… Well all of these factors you just mentioned always affect you and me. How can I think of you without considering the political situation or my position?”

I was choked up with emotions, but I refused his earnest request. If I became weak and accepted him, it was certain that he would never break off my engagement with him. I’ve come to this point to live up to my resolve, and I could not let my resolve crumble any further.

“Please, Your Majesty. You have to walk toward the future, not the past. Please let go of me, a mere woman of the past.”

“Oh my…”

Instead of shedding tears, I felt like my heart ached again, which I felt the moment I faced him. I clenched my quivering lips with all my might and grabbed my hem tightly. I couldn’t cry here no matter how much I was hurt, no matter how much I tasted blood on my lips, and no matter how many tears welled up in my eyes.

How much time passed? I heard him saying in a subdued voice, breaking the silence that seemed everlasting to me.

“Later.”

“…”

“Let’s talk again next time. So, give it a thought once more.”

“But Your Majesty…”

Then, he walked away, with his white robe fluttering. The royal knights escorting him also disappeared with him.

Only then did the tears I had been holding back come out. Transparent tears dropped on the crumpled hem where the crest of my family was embroidered in silver thread. I felt heartbroken as if my heart was going to burst right now.

Although I said no, I loved him deep down.

I wanted to tell him that the dignity of the imperial family was meaningless before love, I also loved him, and I wanted to live with him in the future instead of being forgotten as his abandoned ex-fiancee. Indeed, I wanted to be loved by him and love him as much as I wanted, unlike in the past when I felt bitter and frustrated all the time.

However, I could never be with him in my second life. I was now consumed by another anxiety, in addition to my harrowing past that sometimes came to me.

Isn’t he the emperor who can have several women as the ruler of the empire? If I really couldn’t become pregnant, it is obvious that he would have no other choice but to sleep with another woman to have his successor. Even if he doesn’t want it, he can’t resist the temptation because the nobles around him will have him have him make a successor by all means.

Besides, what if he loves another woman even after I become his lover?

My whole body trembled. I felt terrible at the mere thought of it. Having been miserably abandoned by him was quite enough. I never wanted to go through that again, even though I would feel heartbroken because I can’t be with him.

Comforting myself with all my might, I walked on.

***

Several days passed after the political meeting.

I didn’t see him in the meantime. It’s partly because I avoided him on purpose. I didn’t even bump into him as if he wanted to avoid me, too. I should have seen him as soon as possible to resolve the matter of the breakoff of my engagement with him.

Why is he acting like this? Why does he still have lingering affection for me?

Suddenly, I was so frustrated that I went out to the garden alone after making the maids go away.

Dew hung loosely on green leaves and rolled down, and the fresh white petals raised their heads, smiling at me bashfully.

It was early morning when everything in the garden was asleep, shrouded in the mist.

A calm tranquility just before their dynamic lives starts, and a peaceful silence without even the chirping of birds. In that cozy atmosphere I closed my eyes, basking in the generous mist. While I was carried away in that tranquility, I felt as if all the complicated thoughts that consumed my mind began to disappear one by one. A smile came to my lips before I knew it.

How much time passed? While I was feeling relaxed in peace, I heard a little noise breaking through the mist in the distance.

Sighing at the noise, I opened my eyes. Looking around, I saw a faint shadow shimmering in the garden at a distance. In no time, the shadow emerged more clearly before me.

“… I’m honored to see Your Majesty, the Sun of the Empire.”

It looked like he discovered me only then. He stopped for a moment, then walked away after nodding at me. I breathed a sigh of relief, watching him fade away. I felt relieved as I felt awkward because of his unexpected appearance.

But why am I feeling so jammed up inside?

Obviously, I thought I cleared away all the complicated thoughts while basking in the mist, but I felt as if my empty heart was filled with heavy rocks.

“Whew…”

The moment I turned after taking a deep breath, suddenly someone pulled me from behind.

Though I twisted my body, stunned, his arms were tightly wrapped around my waist and did not let me go. The more I struggled, the more he tightened his grip.

“What more can I do to win your heart?”

“… Your Majesty?”

I felt goosebumps because of the refreshing scent from his body and his warm breathing in my ears. My back, which got stuck to his chest, felt so hot.

“What more should I do?”

“Your Majesty, what do you mean…?”

“You’re so cruel. You are truly … a cruel woman. ”

“…”

When I slowly closed my mouth, he pulled me tight and said in a very painful voice, “You say you don’t want me, but your eyes lie. So, when I approach you, curious about the meaning of your look, you again push me out. Even though I ask you so many times why you hate me, you never tell me.”

“… ”

“Why don’t you trust me? I begged you to be with me because I love you and I don’t need anything else. But why are you so persistently rejecting me? Why are you so cruel to me?”

Only

“… Your Majesty.”

“Can you trust me if I risk my life? Can you trust my seriousness if I do it?”

I could feel that he was trembling, speaking in a painful voice.

Suddenly, I almost teared up, but I fought back tears, though my heart ached.

Can I confide everything to him? Can I tell him about the various reasons why I can’t love and accept him, including the trauma of my past that I can’t erase from my mind? Can I just put down everything that binds me and feel comfortable now?

After grasping the hem of my skirt that finely hung down, I opened my trembling lips and said, “Your Majesty, I…”

Countless memories crossed my mind at the moment, such as the moment I first met him in the past who he was burning with hostility toward me, which I could never understand, the moment when I was captivated by his superficial smile, who was always cold to me, the moment when I was sticking around him to draw his attention, the days when I felt heartbroken, watching him warming up to Jiun, the days when I cried secretly because of his growing insult and hostility toward me, the day I lost my life, falsely charged with treason, the moment when I opened my eyes again as a child, the moment I trembled with anger at the thought that I was abandoned by even God, and the countless days when I was so scared about being entangled with him again and tried my best to escape from my predetermined destiny.

“I really don’t…”