The Abandoned Empress

If I take her forcibly, would she still look at me? If I ruin her, could she stay beside me? I know it’s heartbreaking to think irrationally like this, but it’s better than seeing you with somebody else. So, stay with me in this deep darkness. Stay with me in this dark shadow. Even if you go out into the world of light, you will only have a hard time.

I was very pleased with my reflection in her golden eyes. As I lowered my face gradually, the other things reflected in her eyes disappeared little by little. Yes, that’s what I want, my lady. Just look at me like that, reflecting me alone in your beautiful eyes.

“Hey, what are you doing? Don’t…”

I suddenly came to my senses when she shouted at me, shivering with fear. Her eyes were trembling with fear, and her face turned white. My heart jolted when I saw her calling me in fear.

I felt her shivering in her trembling wrists.

What did I just try to do to her? Am I really going crazy now because I’ve been stuck in the darkness too long? I’m sorry, Tia. I know better than anyone that I’m not ready yet, but I’ve been craving for it so long that I often forget it. I’m getting more and more impatient these days.

I’m afraid you might fly away from me with wings. I’m scared that you might walk into the bright light, leaving me in this darkness.

“Because I’m going home after work, so I don’t need this hair band. You’ll make me uncomfortable if you keep doing this.”

Even though she was so frightened, she came back because I seemed uncomfortable and gave her hair band to me.

Suddenly, my heart ached. Apparently you were locked in the deep darkness like me, and you were living in a rage of madness. When did you come into the light and began to shine like this?

Teach me how. Give me your hand, too.

Now that I know the joy of being with you, I no longer want to live in the shadow on my own. Please don’t forsake me, Tia. Do not leave me.

“Duke Verita is waiting for you.”

“Got it. Let me hurry up.”

On the day when the crown prince’s birthday banquet was held, I kept dawdling because I really didn’t want to go. In the end, I arrived there belatedly to find her laughing heartily before the crown prince.

“Ha…. ”

I made a hollow smile. Feeling heartbroken, I headed to the place where people were chatting.

Hearing their conversation aghast, I suddenly came to my senses when they mentioned the daughter of the Monique family.

‘What? Did they try to kill my lady several times? Did they put it on hold for now, looking for a chance to kill her?’

At that moment, I thought it would be okay. I thought she would rather disappear from this world rather than be taken away by some other guy. Anyway, Tia would be alive in my memory. The little girl in my memories would smile at me brightly, showing a blind trust in me. I thought that if I closed my eyes and ears for a moment, I would be able to live with my lovely lady in my memories forever. Although I couldn’t hear her calm voice calling me in person, although I couldn’t see her smiling at me brightly, I thought I could accept it. I thought it was better than losing her like this.

But I suddenly broke into tears when I came back home and took out my young lady’s dark hair tie from the drawer and saw her initials embroidered on its edge and the letter she wrote to me even after her blind trust in me was gone.

‘Ah, Tia.’

Even though I knew that she was going away from my heart, even though I was aware that she would not stay with me anymore unless I took some action, I could not harm her.

Although the girl in my memory was important, it was more important for her to live and breathe under the same sky.

Damn, I couldn’t let go of my girl.

“Here it is, Master.”

I had a maid make several colored hair ties for my lady, as if I wanted to clutch at straws. Though not visible on the outside, the inside of the double-layered hair ties was embroidered with a dela flower that allegedly made love come true. I had the ties prepared with my love for my young lady who told me she always wore a tie while on duty. I hoped that she could look at me again while she was wearing this. I knew I was doing useless things, but I felt like my heart might explode if I didn’t do this.

“Wow, they’re pretty!”

Tia smiled when she saw the colored hair ties I prepared for her. I felt sad when I found her golden, bloodshot eyes and pale lips as if she couldn’t sleep properly because she was so busy.

Noticing that her silvery hair tie sticking out of her dishevelled hair, I took out a hair tie.

It was the same green tie I had on.

Looking at her thick silvery hair falling down her shoulders, I suddenly felt my heart throbbing.

‘What happened?’

Whenever I saw a girl in the past, I was always happy. But my heart began to ache whenever I met her at some point.

I looked at her back and the hair tie in her hand. I felt like some cold voice was whispering into my eyes, ‘She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t look at you. She will abandon you and run away. You will be alone again. You will struggle in loneliness, trapped in the dark. ‘

‘No, she won’t run away from me. She is not such a cruel woman,’ protested another me.

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said the cold voice that teased me first, adding, ‘You know she doesn’t love you. Are you just going to see her going to another guy? Just kill her, so if you can’t have her, you can make sure another guy can’t have her, either. As time goes by, she’ll be estranged from you more and more. Just kill her now when you can deal with your sorrow, so that nobody can have her. Anway, she is alive in your memory, smiling at you, right?”

I held the hair tie tightly with a trembling hand. When I put her silvery hair together, her white neck was revealed.

Hers was a slender neck that would break if I grabbed it tight with one hand. If I wrapped the tie around her neck, she wouldn’t be here, leaving for a world nobody could follow her to. Then, she would live and breathe only in my memory.

Even if she were forgotten little by little by those who remember her with the passage of time, I could vividly think of her. I would be able to make my cherished dream come true. I would keep her to myself and have her look at me only. No one could covet her then.

The moment I tried to wrap the hair tie around her thin neck, I could see Tia’s face reflected in the window. She was closing her eyes while slowly blinking her eyes as if she couldn’t stand feeling drowsy. She was standing close to the window with a calm face without any fear or anxiety just like her in childhood when she blindly trusted me.

Only

“Ha…” I made a hollow smile.

‘Oh my god! How can you trust me, Tia?’

You shouldn’t trust me so much! Your father and maid hate me after they instinctively figured out what kind of man I was, but you still keep trusting me? For what?

Don’t you see the darkness swirling within me? Or is the remnant of your blind trust in me already embedded within you? I can’t trust myself. How can you let your hair down and trust me so blindly?

Maybe I’m already crazy. How can I think about getting rid of her, who believes in me so much, and trusts me when I don’t trust myself? It had only been a few days ago when I thought I couldn’t dare to hurt you. How could I dare to think of killing you like this?

I wonder if I was caught up in the unknown darkness inside me. My hand holding the hair tie was trembling.

‘I’m sorry, Tia. So sorry.’

I kissed her silvery hair with a sense of guilt.