I'm Really a Superstar

On TV.

On the screen.

Hundreds of thousands of households were watching the masterful skit actress, Ci Xiufang, whose image had changed from the previous galas she had been in. They were both curious and surprised. This was very refreshing!

…

In the production control room.

Zhang Ye was observing the video monitor wall silently.

Auntie Ci.

I’m leaving this to you.

You must shock the audience.

If Little Hu Die’s performance was to increase the topicality of the event, and the “Flying Apsaras” dance was to spread word of mouth among viewers, then “Dance If You Like” was definitely to add to the cheers. This act had to work out like it was meant to!

…

The skit 1 began.

Ci Xiufang was sitting there with nothing to do.

Then an arguing couple appeared.

The man: “Babe, babe, don’t be mad!”

The woman: “Stop following me around!”

The man: “Aiya, babe, I’m begging you, please don’t be angry!”

The woman: “Aiya, I said stop following me!”

Ci Xiufang: “Hey, hey, hey, go home if you want to argue!”

The man: “Hey, we’re talking here. Are we burdening you?”

Ci Xiufang: “Of course you’re burdening me.”

The man: “Then I’ll burden you today! What can you do? I just want to burden (ài) 2 you! I burden (ài) you! I burden (ài) you! I burden (ài) you! Hmph—”

The audience laughed heartily!

Ci Xiufang looked at the couple. “Hear that, girl?”

The woman came over angrily. “You disgust me!”

The man: “I—aiya, that’s not what I meant!”

The audience:

“Hahahaha!”

“Hahahahaha!”

Then a jogging young man arrived.

He was in the middle of exercising and was stretching his back and chest

Ci Xiufang looked straight ahead and produced an item in hands. Tearing the tape loudly, she mimicked the sound of fabric ripping!

The young man was doing some leg stretches when he heard the sound. He was shocked and extremely embarrassed, so he quickly pulled his shirt downwards to cover his pants before running off!

Ci Xiufang said in satisfaction, “Ah, it’s finally peaceful.”

Applause rang out!

“Hahaha!”

“How harsh!”

“How devious of Auntie Ci!”

“This is cracking me up!”

“She’s driving away anyone who comes by!”

“How wicked, hahahaha!”

At this moment, famous skit actor Lian He came out onstage!

Lian He was not young anymore, and he was very short and skinny. These characteristics of his appearance made him very unique. This skit was the first time that he was working together with Ci Xiufang, so it captured the attention of a lot of the common folk. They were all wondering if there would be any sparks from the debut partnership of these two masterful skit actors!

It was finally time to see if that would happen!

The highlight of the performance was here!

The audience applauded for them!

…

On the stage.

Lian He was carrying a boombox over his shoulder and walking over happily.

Ci Xiufang glanced at him. “Hey, hey, kiddo!”

Lian He was taken aback. “Are you calling for me?”

Upon closer inspection, Ci Xiufang said, “Whoa, this child looks really old!”

Lian He: “Uhh, I’m actually an adult.”

Ci Xiufang sighed, “An embarrassment to adults then! What are you here for?”

Lian He twisted his hips. “I’m here to practice ballroom dancing!”

Ci Xiufang: “Ballroom dancing (guóbiāo)? More like a mouse pointer (shǔbiāo)!”

…

On the other stage, Little Hu Die, who was still twirling around, found it hard to keep a straight face!

A child?

Mouse pointer?

Hahahaha!

I can’t take this!

I must not laugh!

Bear with it! I must bear with it!

…

At this point, Lian He turned on the music!

Ci Xiufang, who was sitting in the wheelchair, suddenly removed the blanket covering her legs and marched over to turn off the music before returning to sit down again, all to the shock of Lian He!

Lian He was dumbfounded. “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you can actually stand?”

Ci Xiufang sneered. “Who said I couldn’t?”

Lian He: “Then why do you sit in a wheelchair?”

Ci Xiufang: “I want to! I get light-headed whenever I stand! Ah, I feel faint.”

Lian He: “If you feel faint, you can always go back home.”

Ci Xiufang: “Too cold and lonely.”

Lian He: “If that’s so, then sit in a more lively place!”

Ci Xiufang: “Too annoying.”

Lian He rolled his eyes. “Hey, old lady, you’re even more difficult to please than Empress Dowager Cixi!”

Ci Xiufang looked at him and said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “Yo, you’ve served Cixi before?”

Lian He was dumbfounded. “Ah?”

The audience was stunned for a moment before bursting into laughter!

…

At Zhang Ye’s maternal grandma’s house.

His grandma was clutching her stomach. “Hahahaha!”

His grandfather was also laughing uncontrollably!

His second sister was slapping the sofa and laughing!

“Aiyo!”

“It’s so funny that it’s killing me!”

“Served Empress Dowager Cixi before? Hahahahaha!”

“So he’s a eunuch then?”

…

On TV.

Lian He was getting anxious. “Hey, big sis, it’s like this: I need to take this time to practice for ten minutes. Then I’ll be done.”

Ci Xiufang: “You can’t.”

Lian He: “Because I agreed with my dance partner to meet here in ten minutes.”

Ci Xiufang: “Yo, someone like you has a dance partner? She’s blind, right?”

Lian He: “Seven. I’ve got seven old ladies hounding me every day, insisting that I be their dance partner. But I refused them all. And all of them are as fair as snow, like princesses!”

Ci Xiufang: “Seven Snow Whites?”

Lian He: “Ah!”

Ci Xiufang looked at him. “And a single dwarf? So it’s a fairy tale?”

…

At Old Wu’s parents’ house.

Wu Mo was cramping up with laughter. “Pfft, hahahaha!”

Li Qinqin was also laughing while covering her mouth. “Wasn’t that fairy tale written by Little Ye?”

Even the usually serious Wu Changhe was tickled funny!

Who thought up the script for this skit!

…

On the stage.

Lian He harrumphed. “Looking down on me, are you? Why don’t you have a look at what I can do! One and-a, two and-a, three and-a, four and-a. Hey, did you see that? This move, the Spinning Top, that swept the entire community was invented by yours truly! My stage name is Little Top (xiǎo tuóluó)!”

Ci Xiufang: “No wonder I have such an urge to whip 3 you!”

Lian He was speechless.

The audience: “Hahahaha!”

Ci Xiufang: “Let me ask you, Little Radish (xiǎo luóbo).”

Lian He: “What Little Radish!”

Ci Xiufang: “Little Screw (xiǎo luósī)?”

Lian He: “What Little Screw? It’s Little—”

Ci Xiufang: “I know! Little Ostrich (xiǎo tuóniǎo)!”

Lian He said angrily, “Don’t try that on me. I’m practicing right here today, what of it? Hai, I don’t believe you can stop me!” He then started to sing and dance. “You are my-a small-a, small apple / However much I love you, it’ll never be too much—”

Ci Xiufang deliberately messed upped his rhythm by singing, “Forever singing in the hottest ethnic trend / Is the most beautiful gesture in the whole sky.”

Lian He fumbled his dance moves at that.

Lian He ignored her and continued singing and dancing. “Your small blushing face warms my heart—”

Ci Xiufang continued messing him up. “Is the most beautiful gesture in the whole sky.”

Lian He went along with Ci Xiufang’s singing and kept dancing!

He sang even louder, not giving in, “Spring has come again and the flowers are all abloom—”

Ci Xiufang sang, “Is the most beautiful gesture in the whole sky.”

The audience was staggering in laughter!

“Hahahaha!”

“Hahahahaha!”

Lian He was almost in tears. “I beg of you, big sis, can you stop making trouble?”

Ci Xiufang threw her hands up. “Alright, alright.”

Only then did Lian He clear his throat and continued singing, “You are my-a small-a, small apple / However much I love you, it’ll never be too much. / Your small blushing face warms my heart, / Is the most beautiful gesture in the whole sky—eh, eh, eh!” He facepalmed and said dejectedly, “I’m done for! I’ve been practicing to this song for half a year, but I’ve been thrown off by just one line from you!”

The audience was roaring with laughter!

The applause from the audience was thunderous!

“Hahahahaha!”

“Bravo!”

“Bravo!”

Cheers rang out all around!

…

In the production control room.

The gags were full on!

The audience was laughing!

Zhang Ye heaved a sigh of relief. Because ” High Song 4 ” didn’t exist in this world yet, there were some changes he had to make to this skit from the original version.

…

On the stage.

Lian He took out a rag doll. “Big sis, look. It’s my grandson—”

Ci Xiufang nodded. “Looks just like you.”

Lian He: “It’s my grandson’s doll which he got me to buy for him!”

Then Ci Xiufang took the doll from him and threw her voice 5 while holding it.

This part was hilarious. Many of the audience members in the venue laughed until they cried!

“Old lady, your tongue is too sharp! You must be living by yourself!”

“Aren’t you single yourself too?”

“Eh, how did you know?”

“By your looks.”

The audience laughed, “Hahahahaha!”

The gags kept coming!

Classic lines came one after another!

Finally, the plot reached the turning point!

A cell phone rang.

Lian He was delighted to hear it. “Haha! My dance partner is calling me! Hahahahaha, hello! Partner, where are you? Do you need me to pick you up? Ah? You’re not coming anymore? No, wait, why aren’t you coming? Didn’t we already agree to it? You’ve decided to partner with Old Man Zhang instead? No, but we’ve already agreed, so how can you….Oh, never mind, it’s fine. You don’t have to be considerate of me. Yes, I wish you both the best in your partnership! Alright.”

The call ended.

Lian He said dejectedly, “How can she just change her mind when we already agreed on it?” He pulled off his wig and revealed a head of grey!

Ci Xiufang was taken aback. “How old are you exactly?”

Lian He laughed and said, “Me? I’m still young, only 70.”

Ci Xiufang: “You’re already 70, so why are you still running around so much?”

Lian He said, “Life is about constant motion!”

Ci Xiufang shook her head. “Wrong! Life is about stillness! Look at the tortoise, which doesn’t move around much. How long does it live for?”

Lian He pointed at himself. “Don’t look at the tortoise, look at me!”

Ci Xiufang glanced at him and turned away. “I’d rather look at the tortoise!”

The audience laughed. “Hahahahaha!”

…

Online.

“This is hilarious!”

“I’m laughing so hard I shit myself!”

“Hahahahaha!”

“Auntie Ci’s tongue is too sharp!”

“Aiyo, why do I like her so much!”

“Lian He is absolutely getting disparaged here! Hahaha!”

…

At a newspaper firm.

Several of the reporters working overtime were laughing so hard they lost their senses!

“That’s so good!”

“It’s fucking too good!

“What a rare old lady she is!”

“Auntie Ci’s acting is so good!”

“It’s the script that’s good!”

“This is cracking me up!”

…

After the old man was consecutively rejected a few times over the phone.

Ci Xiufang got up angrily. She took his phone away and smashed it onto the floor of the stage!

The skit had entered its climax!

Lian He bent down over the wreckage of his cell phone. “Eh, hey, hey, that’s my phone!”

The audience couldn’t close their mouths anymore as they kept laughing!

“Come over here.”

“Ah?”

“Let me tell you something, Little Pineapple (xiǎo bōluó)!”

“Little Top.”

“It’s been changed now!”

“I’ve long wanted to change it!”

“Let me tell you this, Little Slippers (xiǎo tuōxié)!”

“Just what is my name supposed to be?” ( )

“I’ll call you whatever I want!”

“Sure, whatever you say!”

“Listen to me, Little Camel (xiǎo luòtuó)!”

“Aiyo, my God! I’ve become three people in no time. Eh, big sis, why are you standing up?

Ci Xiufang said coldly, “For someone like you who’s standing up even though he doesn’t look like he’s standing up, what reasons would I have to not stand up?”

The audience applauded!

“Good one!”

“Well said!”

“Hahahaha!”

Ci Xiufang: “Starting from now, I’m your dance partner!”

Immediately, the music played. The scene onstage suddenly changed as several dozen dancers appeared behind Lian He and Ci Xiufang. All of them started dancing together!

“The Hottest Small Apple” had brought the entire venue’s atmosphere to a high!

The audience’s applause swallowed the stage whole!

The world’s Chinese population watching television was also laughing like crazy!

…

On Weibo.

In the forums.

In the chat groups.

On social media.

When the skit was broadcast, all of those communication channels blew up!

“Ahhh!”

“That was so impressive!”

“How did they manage to come up with such a good script!”

“The script’s lines are really heaven-defying!”

“Zhang Ye is too godly! He’s really too godly!”

“Auntie Ci and Master Lian also played their roles really well!”

“I really can’t believe that there could still be a skit of such quality at the Spring Festival Gala!”

“Me neither, it’s incredible!”

“I didn’t have any expectations before watching it. But who knew that I would actually tear up from laughter while watching it! Aiyo, I can’t take it. I have to go laugh some more, hahahahaha!”

“What the heck is ‘The Hottest Small Apple’? Hahaha!”

“A mashup of ‘The Hottest Ethnic Trend’ and ‘Small Apple’ of course!”

“Zhang Ye is really enjoying himself by writing this!”

“Yeah, this fellow actually made a skit for plaza dancing!”

“Hahaha, is this fellow trying to normalize plaza dancing as an activity?”

“He’s really playing the role of the founder well. To! No! Fault!”

“This skit is really great!”

Thinking back on the past years’ skits, and thinking back on the traditional delivery of those skits, countless viewers could not help but agree on one thing in the bottom of their hearts:

This is what you call a skit!

This is what you fucking call a skit!