Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World-Novel



Chapter 127 – Florida Man Steals Man's Underwear to Smell Its Crotch

The return trip was fast. As Leo had a clear destination, he ignored everything and traveled north by leaping and jumping.

Esen exploited the privilege of a petite body by riding on Leo's shoulders. The latter also allowed her to play as she wished since he couldn't say no to a little kid.

When they returned, they found a hundred thunder unicorns on the farmland, sniffing and eating the crops. Cat was also there, and she had been screaming at the ponies.

"MEOW!"

Cat was furious. The crops belonged to Leo, and she was the only one who had the privilege to steal them. When the unicorns competed for the loot, she threw and fit and lashed her whips at them.

Unfortunately, the unicorns were a bunch of 9th-stage monsters. Only immortals or an army of quasi-immortals could be their opponents. Cat's attacks failed to harm the ponies.

Although Cat was hostile to the unicorns, the ponies didn't harm her as she had a strong scent of Leo. Moreover, she was a virgin child, whose virgin yin Qi was as pure as Leo's virgin yang. All thunder unicorns on the farm treated her as a potential energy bank and waited for her to become a refined adult.

Among the crowd, a certain unicorn tried to woo Cat.

"Smash <3"

"MEOW!!"

"Smash? ;)"

"MYAAAA!!"

"Smash D:"

"HISSSS!!"

"…Smash T-T"

Taxi sulked after the failed attempt. He lowered his head and walked away from the crowd while his colleagues laughed and neighed at him.

Leo arrived when Taxi got rejected. He witnessed the entire event, and he also laughed at Taxi.

"Bad donkey! That girl is a newborn child! Why are you trying to woo her?! Are you a pedo or what?!"

"Smash T-T"

Taxi cried a river and ran away from the farmland. He then cried to the unicorn elder, who gave Leo his horn.

Elder P.Hub snorted and bonked Taxi with his half-horn. He then roared, unleashing lightning Qi to suppress the rowdy unicorns.

As soon as P.Hub's overwhelming Qi exuded, all unicorns stopped eating. They ran toward the elder and gathered around the senior.

Leo and P.Hub's eyes met. Both nodded at each other as Leo thanked him for watching over the naughty horses.

When everything was in order, Leo walked toward the crowd of unicorns while sneaking glances at the apartment building.

On the balcony of the apartment, the disciples gathered there, watching the unicorns from above. As they were too weak to interact with them, they kept their distance to avoid trouble.

Wu Buyi also stood beside them, retelling the tale of how Leo tamed countless thunder unicorns and vanquished strong monsters in the mystic realm.

Leo looked up and found Wu Buyi. He waved his hand, calling him over.

"Bring the disciples! I'll formally introduce the new workers!"

Wu Buyi acknowledged the order and guided the scardy teens down. They joined the gathering and gazed at the tall unicorns in astonishment and awe.

The unicorns also sensed their respect. Some of them sniffed the young boys and discovered that they were all virgins. As soon as they recognized the scent, female thunder unicorns rushed toward them and nudged their heads against the disciples, showing affection and courtship.

The disciples were taken aback, but they laughed. Some of them innocently petted the female unicorns, unaware of their motifs.

"Ahem!" Leo coughed to get their attention. The crowd's eyes fixated on Leo, waiting for his announcement.

"Eh, where should I start? For now, I need to introduce everybody here to your new friends. First off, the young men over there will be your working colleagues and your caretakers…"

The introduction was brief.

Leo got the disciples and the thunder unicorns to know each other. He also requested Taxi and P.Hub to control the rowdy unicorns so that they wouldn't hurt the disciples.

As for the disciples, they got a new job. Leo ordered them to build a large stable for the unicorns so they could sleep or rest under a rooftop. They were also in charge of distributing food to the ponies.

Next, it was Esen's turn. At first, nobody paid attention to the girl as they mistook her for Leo's weird experimental material. But when she got down from Leo's shoulders and walked on her two feet, the crowd stared at the loli.

"I-Is that a jiangshi?!" One of the disciples trembled in fear as he was afraid of zombies and undead.

Wu Buyi looked indifferent in the beginning as he mistook Esen for another harmless pet of Leo. But when he inspected her further, Wu Buyi sweated profusely.

He could not measure her cultivation base or strength. Esen had no dantian. Instead, she was a walking mass of yin essence.

Esen calmly looked around and smirked at the thunder unicorns. She found them weak and insignificant.

"I have never seen these horses before. They seem strong, but they are too weak to be my servant."

Leo coughed, "Ahem! Kid… I mean, your majesty. Could you please grace us with your name and your words of introduction, please?"

"Since you ask nicely, fine!" Esen turned to the disciples and gazed at them even though she had no eyeball. "My name is Esen, the 12th Monarch of Molg Empire and the Empress of all liches! I AM the true ruler of this realm, not you, descendants of vile cultivators!"

"…"

Aside from the thunder unicorns and Wu Buyi, the disciples didn't know what to think. They looked at each other and shrugged as they found Esen's backstory weird.

Gao Yan narrowed his eyes for a moment as he faintly saw Esen's dark aura and the menacing presence of evil spirits around her. He turned to Thora, asking for her opinion.

"Is she for real, Thora?"

Betraying Gao Yan's expectations, Thora hid behind Gao Yan, shivering in fear. She whispered to him, avoiding Esen's detection.

'S-She's a real deal! T-That girl is even stronger than the spirit queen! D-Don't provoke her!'

"EH!?"

Unfortunately, the unicorns had sharp senses. They heard Thora's voice, and they were shocked as well. Because of the stunning info, they caused a commotion and neighed in fright.

"ORDER!"

Leo clapped his hands, trying to calm the horses. Unfortunately, the unicorns were already in panic mode, and they were ready to flee from here.

Esen rolled her eyes as she found the horses annoying. She pulled a large tomato from the farm and ate it to replenish her energy.

While Esen ate the tomato, her shadow expanded toward the unicorns. When their shadows overlapped, the horses stopped moving as if they were frozen.

"Stop making useless noises, foolish creatures! This empress is not some vile bandit that senselessly takes lives! We govern life and death! Those who respect the dead will enjoy a peaceful life. Those who respect the living can enjoy life after death!"

While preaching, Esen branded the unicorns with her aura marks, linking her thought with theirs. Then, she communicated directly to their brains.

The unicorns stopped resisting or panicking. They stared at Esen in a daze before they lowered their heads. Only Taxi and P.Hub refused to bow to her.

A second later, half of the white thunder unicorns turned black. Their pupils, mane, and tails were as red as blood.

POOF

Suddenly, their bodies were ignited on fire.

Just like that, half of the thunder unicorns transformed into nightmares from hell.

Leo flinched for a moment as he didn't expect this result. He stomped toward Esen and grabbed her crown, lifting her in the air.

"Oi, brat. What the hell have you done to my beautiful donkeys?!"

Esen didn't resist. She allowed Leo to lift her up by holding her head with one hand. Then, she explained.

"Those unicorns have evil thoughts, and they are planning to ravish those young men and that plant monster. I brainwash them and turn them into my servants before they cause damage to your farms and your people. Instead of cursing me, you should thank me, Florida Man."

Leo raised his eyebrows and rechecked the transformed unicorns. Although they became black horses, they still retained the lightning Qi and the horns. In exchange for the transformation, they looked composed and calm, which was the opposite of their nature.

Esen smirked at Leo. She then offered her services, "I'll be in charge of managing those nightmares. Just provide me food and shelter, and I'll help you train them. Oh, if you change your mind and want to learn my secret art of necromancy, come talk to me any time."

"…"

.

.

The introduction process was hectic, but the old and the new members got along well.

Esen seemed to be prideful and arrogant at a glance, but she was quite a sociable person. She went around and talked to everybody, including Cat, Gao Yan, Wu Buyi, and the disciples. She even chatted with Thora for a while.

For some reason, Cat hit it off with Esen. The latter introduced her to the granaries and the domain's infrastructures. She also shared giant potatoes with the lich empress.

As everything was in order, Leo stopped worrying about his people and went to check on his mannequins. He visited the cloth shop first, checking on the tailor.

When Leo got inside the store, he found a lineup of long pants, shorts, long shorts, and men's underwear. All clothes were as white as a sheet, but they smelled nice. 

Leo's sensitive nose was drawn toward a pile of men's underwear. He picked one of them and sniffed it.

It smelled like sunlight mixed with the back of his oily ears. The vomit odor and the warm ultraviolet gave birth to a pleasant puke aroma.

"Yup. Smell like my buttcrack."

Leo laughed and took off his clothes in front of the tailor mannequin. The mannequin slightly brushed, but she stared at Leo's refined body, especially his assets.

After putting on a new set of underwear and long pants, Leo collected a dozen sets in his spatial rings for a spare. Then, he gave the mannequin girl a new order.

"Stop making pants for now. I'll give you a new work to do!"

Leo purchased a full set of man's suits, a long coat, jackets, and sweaters from the online store system. He then gave them to the tailor mannequin, hoping that she could replicate those.

The mannequin stared at the clothes and repeatedly nodded. However, she kept staring at Leo while she poked his skin.

"What? You run out of material?"

The mannequin nodded. She then stared at Leo's arm, waiting for him to skin himself.

"Eh, fine. Give me a moment."

Skinning oneself was easy if one could withstand pain. Leo grabbed the tip of his index fingernail and pulled it backward.

CRACK

Leo pulled it off the nail plate, which revealed his transparent blood and the skin beneath the nail. Tossing away the nail piece, Leo dug into the wound with his other finger, grabbing the soft skin that was attached to the nail bed.

KWAK

Peeling from the nail, Leo dragged the sticky skin until it reached his elbow. Then, he cut off the skin and tossed it to the mannequin girl.

The wound was deeper this time as Leo was too heavy-handed. Fortunately, it was instantly healed.

After receiving the piece of skin, the mannequin installed it into her arm and began analyzing the cloth's patterns. She got fired up, and her needle arms began moving, sewing, and weaving new clothes from nothingness.

Leo left the mannequin alone. He strolled out of the shop with his new white pants.

When Leo got out, he ran into Esen, who had been peeking into the store.

Esen gazed at the store's interior through the front window, eyeing the rainbow evening dress. She didn't realize that she drooled.

"Do you want those?" Leo teased Esen.

Esen turned to Leo. In her eye sockets, purple fireballs were ignited, and she repeatedly nodded.

"Alright, sure."

Leo went back into the store and fetched a completed evening dress for Esen. He passed the dress to her.

Unfortunately, the dress was made for an adult woman. It was too big for a little girl like her.

Esen grabbed the dress and widely grinned. A moment later, she vanished into thin air, disappearing along with the new dress.

Leo shrugged as he stopped caring about unusual techniques, teleportation, and the cultivator's logic.

Before Leo could go elsewhere, Esen flew back and carried a mountain of monster bones with her. She dumped the bones in front of the store and pointed at them.

"Florida Man. This is the payment for this artifact! Take them!"

"…What?"

Leo was confused. He planned to give the dress to her for free since she had been wearing a piece of rag. Even if that was Esen's payment, Leo had never expected to receive a mountain of bones as a currency.

"What am I going to use these for? Oh, wait. Alchemy?"

Esen puffed her chest and laughed, "That's right. We, the liches, vampires, and death knights cultivate our yin in our bones to strengthen our power. Each piece of bone contains even more Qi than soul stones or essence stones! Anyway, use them as you see fit!"

"…"

Leo picked up a hand of a skeleton to check it. Indeed, it carried a thick dark purple aura.

As Esen reminded him of its quality, Leo brought a piece of it and walked to the back of his general store. Upon arriving at the alchemy workshop, Leo smiled at the working mannequins as if he was finally at home.